Dear Scientology

Dear Scientology,

Look, it's time to throw in the towel. Sure you suckered actors and other frauds with deep pockets to join your little brigade but it's over. We heard the news about you guys selecting Maverick as your spiritual leader. Seriously, Tom Cruise as a demigod? He's played a few good roles but as a demigod he is going to be the equivalent of his own on air freak out all over Oprah's couch. You want to know the truth, we here at the Church of McGod are happy about it. You have taken on the worst possible Christ figure imaginable and we wish you the best of luck. The odds of your "religion" surviving are about as good as the drummer from Def Leopard growing his arm back.

As long as we are all making big announcements we have one of our own. Just this morning McGod chose his own representation here on Earth. He has given the title of Grand Jeebus to one Colin O'Brien, a slightly overweight Irish kid in New Jersey that goes by "The Dude". There's your demigod Cruise! There's your New Jersey dogma story Kevin Smith! There's your lazy guy turned likable hero Cohen brothers! McGod has proven his wisdom with this selection and so it shall be written.

So why bother writing a letter to you if we're all set over here? Actually, we are very upset by your choice of Tom Cruise and wish you would reconsider for the following reason; we came up with a killer slogan and you blew it for us. You see, McGod would like people to know what he's about through jingles, catch phrases, maybe even a billboard or two. He gave to us the slogan of "No crusades, just cruising". Catchy isn't it? Well, you can see how you selecting Tom Cruise makes it seem as though we might be stealing this little nugget from you guys or at the very least trying to underhandedly capitalize on your famous sorta Christ as it pertains to rootless start-up religions. This couldn't be further from the truth. We are not here to steal or cheat or in any way stamp out lesser religions. We have faith that when the time is right you will simply get tired of kidding yourselves, put down your glasses of crazy fruit punch and hop out of that Wonkavision you've been stuck in. Our mission, as laid out by the one McGod, is not to convert people but simply to hope that some day everyone will get it.

Please consider changing your messiah so that we can use our kick ass slogan and not step on any toes. We promise not to make a fuss about anyone else you may choose regardless of their name as we will consider this a one time favor. Honestly, do you really mind? Your religion is going down the toilet anyway.

Sincerely,
Parishioners of the Church of McGod, Jameson Chapter